Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Jesus issues a memo. Seeks to distance himself from the right.

In a memo leaked to our staff reporters this morning, Jesus Christ, son of Joseph, disavowed any affilliation with the republican party in America.
I didn't have my frickin hands and feet nailed to a cross just so these bastards could come along and steal in my name. These bsastards [sic] who call themselves Christian in America are in no way a part of my organization

the memo said.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Man Takes LSD, Sees God

A young man from Salt Lake City, Utah visiting his cousin in San Francisco took LSD last Saturday night and actually talked to God!
"God wants to tell everyone how much he loves them. He doesn't mind that I do the stuff that I do. He said no one gets judged up in heaven so don't worry, be happy."
The young man said that God turned into a fire hydrant immediatly after conferring the good news.
"I'm just really glad hew said that." The young man explained. "Because I really wanted to have gay sex with this guy who lives upstairs from my cousin but I used to think God didn't want me to. Boy, as soon as I found out that it was alright, I was up there faster than sliding on butter. Um, he he, well, you know."
Folks, I don't make the news, I just report it.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Woman Converts to Christianity before Skydiving. Reverts to hedonism upon landing safely

Christy Jesuis decided to go skydiving for her 40th birthday. She made sure to get a good night's sleep the night before, "just in case I needed to be alert". She also decided to accept Jesus Christ as her personal savior just before takeoff.

"Well, you know..." She says about her decision.

Upon her safe landing she immediately reverted to her old religion of hedonism.

"It's like, well, you know. It's just a lot more fun to get drunk and have sex on Sunday morning." She said, talking about her renewal of her commitment to the hedonistic lifestyle. She waved to the other skydivers as she headed to her car to smoke a joint saying, "Have fun you guys! Maybe we can party sometime."

Antichrist Alive, Addicted to Gambling, Lost All His Money-Revelation Thwarted

The Antichrist offered to give our news crew an interview "for just couple of bucks. I could start out on a penny slot and get my pile back."
When asked about the prophecies in revelations He replied "Well, being the Antichrist has sort of hindered me a little. I'm all over the sin thing and I was blazing through Las Vegas on my way to Hollywood to set up shop in the most godless place when I got sidetracked with the flashing lights and all. Oh yeah, Trixie, can't forget Trixie. God you should see Trixie. I'd do anything just to pass out flyers on the strip for her. In fact, I used to pass out flyers on the strip for her. Oh Trixie, she only loves you when you've got money, you know what I mean?"

When we pressed him for answers about heaven and hell he looked a little confused but smiled and asked if he could borrow a couple of bucks to start his way back up. "Heaven and Hell? Here we are." He murmured, looking furtively down the street. "Never play dice with god. That's my best advise. In fact, I'd just try to avoid the guy. He's pretty moody."

He said he doubted if he'd ever get around to the end times now. But noted one of the merits of being the antichrist is that it's no big deal to perform degrading homosexual acts to pay off gambling debts. "Did you hear about the guy who won 4 million dollars on a quarter slot? Damn I'd like to be that guy."

Man calls religion an "ignorance fed throwback to a time when god was the only good explanation we had." -Church groups angry.

Members of the First Reformed Envangelical Holy Bible Church reported that a young smelly hippie mockingly smiled and in a fake polite way claimed not to be interested in literature being offered by the church members downtown on the corner of 5th and Main. "We could tell just by the way he looked with those "John Lennon" style glasses and the "books" in his backpack that he was a smelly hippie. That buttoned shirt and dockers he was wearing didn't fool us." said Yvonne Sheldon, leader of the youth outreach committe that was handing out the literature. "At first he just smiled in that sneering way that those Starbucks(R) materialists do. 'No thank you.' That's what he said. Sheesh, you'd think we were handing out the plague or something."

After offering the literature several more times the man still refused to take it. "We were all gathered around the guy, you know, trying to figure out why he didn't want us to tell him about everlasting life in the comforting arms of our holy father, Jesus when he looks right at Sam (Johnson) and says, 'religion is an ignorance fed throwback to a time when god was the only good explanation we had to phenomena that we can understand now. In the old days, we thought god did stuff that we know now that isn't the case at all. But you aren't going to believe me anyway so it doesn't matter.' Yeah something like that anyway." said Marie Wilson. "Boy oh boy is that guy gonna get a load of God's wrath. He's gonna get a plague, or drown in a flood or something cause God's gonna give it to him. Just like New Orleans fell under Katrina for it's godless pursuit of music and parties. God did it to them and he'll do it to this guy too. Boy when God hits him with a lightning bolt or turns him into a statue of salt or something, he'll wish he knew about god's love all right."

Several Church groups from across the city have condemned the man's behavior and a town meeting style event will be held thursday night in the Six Days seminar room at the Fundemental Christian Church on NW 23rd and Clay.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

South Carolina: Thousands Starve Praying for a Fish while atheist fisherman watches in disbelief

Atheist fisherman Randall MCCrakkin went to the sprawling compound of one of S.C.'s most prominent fundementalist colonies and discovered them wasting away for lack of food. When he offered to teach them to fish and give them hooks and line and other acoutriments, he was rebuffed.

"Yeah, it was really pretty wierd. I was all like 'y'all, the bay is full of fish. Why are you starving?' And they just sat there on there knees around these cast iron frying pans. They had butter and lemon and salt and pepper all laid out and they were just prayin' fer a fish. When I offered to go out and show them how to catch the darn things they just looked at me like I was crazy. One guy asked if I love the lord. I told him I wasn't gay if that's what he meant but that I didn't go for all the religion stuff. Two security guards, all wobbly and shit 'cause they were starvin' I guess, escorted me to the gate. It's too bad they all starved to death. When I heard about it I was surprised. I mean, I left them a bunch of line and hooks and sinkers and bait shrimp and stuff. I figured they'd all go and wait till I left so's they wouldn't feel stupid'n all. But I figured they'd use the stuff. Man."

All 2,421 members of the church of god and the infallible word died.

Atheists score a full 20 points lower in IQ scores than Real Christians!

In a research project funded by Christians for Truth, scientists at Boob Jones University have discovered a not so surprising trend in the general population: athiests are stupid.

"Morons" says Dr. James Duke, one of the principal designers of the experiment. "Mostly they couldn't even tie their own shoes."

The full results show several important trends. Real Christians score a whopping 91 average on the IQ test while none of the misguided athiest included in the study scored above 80. The average was 71. A funny thing that we discovered also was that Christians who aren't Real Christians scored a little lower than Christians who were Real Christians. Christians who weren't Real Christians scored an average of 89. "We included Catholics, Episcopalians and Unitarians, as well as all those stupid muslim and Eastern religions in with the athiest because, you know, we KNEW they were gonna be stupid," said Rick White, an intern who worked on the experiment.