Friday, January 29, 2010

Internet Dumb Fuck Discovers, Via Google, 'Occham’s Razor' and 'Just-So Stories.'

by guest columnist, DavidM
Originally published at

Internet Dumb Fuck Discovers, Via Google, 'Occham’s Razor' and 'Just-So Stories.'

A Close Shave: The 14th century Franciscan monk, William of Ockham, has narrowly failed to avert having his name and idea co-opted by a fucklord.

TALKRATIONAL.ORG (Internet News Service) — A douchebag with access to a computer has accidentally discovered, via random Google surfing, the terms “Occham’s Razor” and “just-so stories,” and can’t get enough of using them even though he doesn’t know what they mean, it was revealed Friday.

“That’s a just-so Story,” the douchewit, Socrates, declared in a post at Talk

He went on to demand: “What about Occham’s Razor?”

The fuckwit emphasized “What about Occham’s Razor?” by tagging it in bold type.

“The bottom line is that the idea of empty niches is just a just-so story,” Socrates added, with respect to the theory of evolution. “And not worth arguing about.”

“Of course,” the pontificating and ill-educated jackass asseverated, “all of this is a showstopper problem for evolution theory.”

The rubes who make up about 85 percent of the American public were impressed.

“Ebbolution be just a just-so story,” Bobby Layne Breathard, 39, of Buttfuck, Ark., drawled at his local school board while chewing chaw, during a debate about whether to replace biology texts with the Bible in science class. “Whaddabout that there Occham’s Razor and some nice Occam’s aftershave and cologne?”

The school board voted unanimously to require that biology classes teach “The Total Theory” instead of the theory of evolution.

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Internet Fruitcake Reveals That The Sun ‘Is God’s Giant Wood-Burning Campfire in The Sky”

By Guest reporter davidm

(link to original)

TALKRATIONAL.ORG (Internet News Service) — A mentally retarded habituĂ© of Internet Message Boards revealed Saturday that the sun was actually a gigantic wood-burning campfire tended by God.

“There is not much doubt that the sun is simply a gigantic wood-burning campfire,” the retard, Socrates, posted at the Talk Rational message board. “But it is not an impersonal object that produces energy by fusing hydrogen into helium, as the materialists claim. That is a fake.”

Socrates explained that the wood for the campfire is collected in The Plenum, and then transferred into the sky via quantum fluctuations produced by a team of “campfire girls” appointed by God. God, he went on to explain, tends the fire, periodically stoking it by applying a flame produced by a Bic lighter the size of Europe.

“This is obvious,” Socrates said.

Pressed for evidence that the sun was actually a gigantic wood-burning campfire rather than an object that produces radiant energy via the well-understood process of nuclear fusion, Socrates said, “People wish to engage me in discussion by these mischaracterizations. It will not work.”

He added, "Nice try. All the points I have been making have been backed up. You will have to do better."

The sun is a giant campfire, it was first realized on Saturday.

It is tended by God.

The Lord keeps the fire burning with a Bic lighter.

The lighter is roughly the size of Europe.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Lest any accuse me of biased coverage!

I composed a brilliant, though brief essay for the wiki at outlining the general gist of creation theory. I expect to have it published in AiG's peer reviewed publication someday. Here it is:

Creation Theory

Things are pretty complicated, therefore there is a God. Since therefore, there is a God, this God is just like us only really big. Really really big. Huge. Outside of time and composed of everything in the universe but just like us. Only gigantic. Infinitely gigantic. And he can have individual conversations with each person in the universe at the same time just like us only we can only carry on one conversation at a time. Therefore, since God is just Like us only bigger, much much bigger, he likes us. He likes us the same way we like our pets. Only if our pets were just like us except smaller. Since God likes us, he wants us to worship him because we want to be worshiped and God is just like us only way bigger. Infinitely bigger. Since god wants to be worshipped he also made everything. He made everything really really big because he couldn't help it. He is really really big so it was only natural. But he made Earth (in blissful ignorance we spin round her tiny center) the right size for us to live on because it would have been mean to make her really really huge because we wouldn't have been quite as much like God then. We would have been tiny compared to our world. Then we wouldn't have wanted to be worshiped so much because the bigger things would be stepping on us too often. God wanted us to know how it feels to want to be worshiped because he likes us because we are like him only we are a lot smaller. He is huge. And outside of time and space. God thought for a while about being outside of time and space and that's why he put us in time and space. So, that is Creation Theory. Proven.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

God busts Bush, Cheney and Condi doing coke and having a 3-way.

During our weekly interview with God, he revealed to us that not only were the president and vice-president snorting cocaine off Secratary of State Condoleeza Rice's inner thighs, they also engaged in sinful outside of wedlock and abominable behavior. "For all their talk about believing in me, they sure forgot that I'm all fucking seeing and all knowing. Dipshits. If they don't give some good ol' fashioned repentance, I'm gonna blow the whistle on the trick they're planning to pull on America just before the election." said God, alluding to an even more dastardly plan the threesome may be hatching.

When and if God decides to reveal the information, our reporters will share it at the earliest possible convenience.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Jesus issues a memo. Seeks to distance himself from the right.

In a memo leaked to our staff reporters this morning, Jesus Christ, son of Joseph, disavowed any affilliation with the republican party in America.
I didn't have my frickin hands and feet nailed to a cross just so these bastards could come along and steal in my name. These bsastards [sic] who call themselves Christian in America are in no way a part of my organization

the memo said.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Man Takes LSD, Sees God

A young man from Salt Lake City, Utah visiting his cousin in San Francisco took LSD last Saturday night and actually talked to God!
"God wants to tell everyone how much he loves them. He doesn't mind that I do the stuff that I do. He said no one gets judged up in heaven so don't worry, be happy."
The young man said that God turned into a fire hydrant immediatly after conferring the good news.
"I'm just really glad hew said that." The young man explained. "Because I really wanted to have gay sex with this guy who lives upstairs from my cousin but I used to think God didn't want me to. Boy, as soon as I found out that it was alright, I was up there faster than sliding on butter. Um, he he, well, you know."
Folks, I don't make the news, I just report it.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Woman Converts to Christianity before Skydiving. Reverts to hedonism upon landing safely

Christy Jesuis decided to go skydiving for her 40th birthday. She made sure to get a good night's sleep the night before, "just in case I needed to be alert". She also decided to accept Jesus Christ as her personal savior just before takeoff.

"Well, you know..." She says about her decision.

Upon her safe landing she immediately reverted to her old religion of hedonism.

"It's like, well, you know. It's just a lot more fun to get drunk and have sex on Sunday morning." She said, talking about her renewal of her commitment to the hedonistic lifestyle. She waved to the other skydivers as she headed to her car to smoke a joint saying, "Have fun you guys! Maybe we can party sometime."

Antichrist Alive, Addicted to Gambling, Lost All His Money-Revelation Thwarted

The Antichrist offered to give our news crew an interview "for just couple of bucks. I could start out on a penny slot and get my pile back."
When asked about the prophecies in revelations He replied "Well, being the Antichrist has sort of hindered me a little. I'm all over the sin thing and I was blazing through Las Vegas on my way to Hollywood to set up shop in the most godless place when I got sidetracked with the flashing lights and all. Oh yeah, Trixie, can't forget Trixie. God you should see Trixie. I'd do anything just to pass out flyers on the strip for her. In fact, I used to pass out flyers on the strip for her. Oh Trixie, she only loves you when you've got money, you know what I mean?"

When we pressed him for answers about heaven and hell he looked a little confused but smiled and asked if he could borrow a couple of bucks to start his way back up. "Heaven and Hell? Here we are." He murmured, looking furtively down the street. "Never play dice with god. That's my best advise. In fact, I'd just try to avoid the guy. He's pretty moody."

He said he doubted if he'd ever get around to the end times now. But noted one of the merits of being the antichrist is that it's no big deal to perform degrading homosexual acts to pay off gambling debts. "Did you hear about the guy who won 4 million dollars on a quarter slot? Damn I'd like to be that guy."

Man calls religion an "ignorance fed throwback to a time when god was the only good explanation we had." -Church groups angry.

Members of the First Reformed Envangelical Holy Bible Church reported that a young smelly hippie mockingly smiled and in a fake polite way claimed not to be interested in literature being offered by the church members downtown on the corner of 5th and Main. "We could tell just by the way he looked with those "John Lennon" style glasses and the "books" in his backpack that he was a smelly hippie. That buttoned shirt and dockers he was wearing didn't fool us." said Yvonne Sheldon, leader of the youth outreach committe that was handing out the literature. "At first he just smiled in that sneering way that those Starbucks(R) materialists do. 'No thank you.' That's what he said. Sheesh, you'd think we were handing out the plague or something."

After offering the literature several more times the man still refused to take it. "We were all gathered around the guy, you know, trying to figure out why he didn't want us to tell him about everlasting life in the comforting arms of our holy father, Jesus when he looks right at Sam (Johnson) and says, 'religion is an ignorance fed throwback to a time when god was the only good explanation we had to phenomena that we can understand now. In the old days, we thought god did stuff that we know now that isn't the case at all. But you aren't going to believe me anyway so it doesn't matter.' Yeah something like that anyway." said Marie Wilson. "Boy oh boy is that guy gonna get a load of God's wrath. He's gonna get a plague, or drown in a flood or something cause God's gonna give it to him. Just like New Orleans fell under Katrina for it's godless pursuit of music and parties. God did it to them and he'll do it to this guy too. Boy when God hits him with a lightning bolt or turns him into a statue of salt or something, he'll wish he knew about god's love all right."

Several Church groups from across the city have condemned the man's behavior and a town meeting style event will be held thursday night in the Six Days seminar room at the Fundemental Christian Church on NW 23rd and Clay.