Thursday, May 01, 2008

Lest any accuse me of biased coverage!

I composed a brilliant, though brief essay for the wiki at outlining the general gist of creation theory. I expect to have it published in AiG's peer reviewed publication someday. Here it is:

Creation Theory

Things are pretty complicated, therefore there is a God. Since therefore, there is a God, this God is just like us only really big. Really really big. Huge. Outside of time and composed of everything in the universe but just like us. Only gigantic. Infinitely gigantic. And he can have individual conversations with each person in the universe at the same time just like us only we can only carry on one conversation at a time. Therefore, since God is just Like us only bigger, much much bigger, he likes us. He likes us the same way we like our pets. Only if our pets were just like us except smaller. Since God likes us, he wants us to worship him because we want to be worshiped and God is just like us only way bigger. Infinitely bigger. Since god wants to be worshipped he also made everything. He made everything really really big because he couldn't help it. He is really really big so it was only natural. But he made Earth (in blissful ignorance we spin round her tiny center) the right size for us to live on because it would have been mean to make her really really huge because we wouldn't have been quite as much like God then. We would have been tiny compared to our world. Then we wouldn't have wanted to be worshiped so much because the bigger things would be stepping on us too often. God wanted us to know how it feels to want to be worshiped because he likes us because we are like him only we are a lot smaller. He is huge. And outside of time and space. God thought for a while about being outside of time and space and that's why he put us in time and space. So, that is Creation Theory. Proven.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

God busts Bush, Cheney and Condi doing coke and having a 3-way.

During our weekly interview with God, he revealed to us that not only were the president and vice-president snorting cocaine off Secratary of State Condoleeza Rice's inner thighs, they also engaged in sinful outside of wedlock and abominable behavior. "For all their talk about believing in me, they sure forgot that I'm all fucking seeing and all knowing. Dipshits. If they don't give some good ol' fashioned repentance, I'm gonna blow the whistle on the trick they're planning to pull on America just before the election." said God, alluding to an even more dastardly plan the threesome may be hatching.

When and if God decides to reveal the information, our reporters will share it at the earliest possible convenience.